Talk:Other/@comment-5164205-20130212031820

CC time!

//because Wolf is a dieheard CCer XD

" in quotes " equals what's in the story

[ in brackets ] equals my changes/comments

Reviewing as I read, so bear with me (:

"A large black crow sat upon the tree i was looking at." [I should be capitalized.]

" The sound of the bus must have frightened it because it flew away when it arrived." [There should be a comma after it and before because: '...frightened it, because it flew away...' also, you should state clearly what it is, because it sounds like the bird frightened itself away.]

"All the other kids were talking about whatever normal 14 year olds talk about while im in the back of the bus reading my book." [14 shouldn't be numerical, so fourteen instead of 14. And a comma: 'whatever normal fourteen-year-olds talk about, while I'm in the back...']

"But only the popular people were invited, no losers like me aloud." [You mean allowed. Homophone there.]

'''Okay, enough nitpicking for that paragraph. Instead of correcting every other sentence: you need to place commas appropriately to make sure your sentences don't turn into run-on sentences. Also, remember to capitalize the word 'I'. So far, this is showing to be unrevised, typed in a hurry and unedited.'''

On to the next paragraph.

"Hey Max!" a voice cunned behind me." ['cunned' is not a verb, so I'd used something like 'called'. Also, there should be a comma: "Hey, Max!" a voice called from behind me.]

"Gary always wore Ambercrombie and Fitch and i have to admit he always looks very nice. Of course me always wearing a hoodie never really could match up to Gary's outfits." [I would correct that, but I'm just pointing out that you don't even need those two sentences. They say nothing and are out of place.]

"I asked Gary if he was going to Dennis' party. He looked at me funny and said he didn't even know Dennis was having a party.We then got to our lockers and Dennis came up behind us." [They are boring, flat sentences. I would add some description in them.]

"You guys talking about me?" he asked jokingly" [There should be a period there. Also, remove that adverb 'jokingly', it doesn't make sense.]

"Yup" I responded in a serious tone. [don't forget the comma: 'Yup,' I responded in a serious tone.] I could see Gary wanting to laugh but he didn't. Dennis flashed me a dirty look and then looked at Gary.

"So Gary you coming to me party tonight?" he asked. ['So, Gary, you coming to my party tonight?' he asked.]

"No sorry im hanging out with Max tonight," he responded" [No, sorry, I'm hanging out with Max,' he responded.]

'''Okay, like I said, this was obviously typed in a hurry. There's poor spelling and punctuation, and you have to remember to put periods at the end of sentences, and open and close brackets properly. Stay in one tense, because you switch between past and present tense. Your sentences are flat and boring. Say, would you read a book that looked like this:'''

"Bob walked across the room. Bob took the doorknob in his hand. Bob turned the doorknob and opened the door. Bob walked out of the room."

'''Imagine if you had a whole book like that. I'd put it down after Chapter One. So you need more action and description in your sentences. Don't lay it on too thick, though.'''

So, keep going, but don't forget to edit and revise.